Trump Also Ruins Famous Passages From Novels

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America’s Lowlife-in-Chief Donald Trump is notorious for his lies, cruelty, racism, corruption, cowardice, laziness, hypocrisy, narcissism, sexual predation, and more — all of which is praised or tolerated by his far-right Republican enablers in Congress, at Fox “News,” and elsewhere. He’s changed so many things for the worse that I’m sorry to say famous literary passages can also be affected. Read ’em and weep:

“Call me icky male” — if he ever honestly analyzed himself, Trump would adapt the first line of Herman Melville’s Moby-Dick this way.

“It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times” — Charles Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities phrase made relevant to what the current White House occupant has made our era become.

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a cad in possession of an inherited fortune must be in want of a porn star” — changing the first line of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice to make it about Trump.

“So it goads” — three words, inspired by the “So it goes” catchphrase in Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse-Five, that describe every sentence that comes out of Trump’s mouth.

“You are the worst thing” — how billions of people feel about Trump, with apologies to the “You are your best thing” quote from Toni Morrison’s Beloved.

“Whatever are souls are made of, his and ours are despicably the same” — Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, and other heartless Republicans comparing themselves to Trump in a rare candid moment inspired by Emily Bronte’s Wuthering Heights line.

“It was times like these when I thought Trump, who got multiple deferments from the Vietnam War despite excellent health, was the most cowardly man who ever lived” — an updated quote from Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird.

“For you, a thousand times more” — Trump channeling Khaled Hosseini’s The Kite Runner as his regressive tax law puts lots of not-needed extra money into the pockets of millionaires and billionaires.

“Wealthy families are all alike in raking it in; every non-rich family is getting less rich in its own way” — that tax law again, through the lens of a misquoted passage from Leo Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina.

“So we beat on, rubber duckies against the current, borne back ceaselessly to the countries our parents fled” — a version of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s final Great Gatsby line alluding to Trump’s repugnant anti-immigrant policies that include deporting kids.

“There was no possibility of taking a walk ANY day” — the first line of Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre changed to reflect just how physically unfit Trump is.

“In the souls of the people hurt by far-right Republicans, the grapes of wrath are growing heavy, heavy for the vintage” — with apologies to John Steinbeck’s The Grapes of Wrath.

Any revised-for-the-Trump-era literary passages you’d like to offer?

My 2017 literary-trivia book is described and can be purchased here: Fascinating Facts About Famous Fiction Authors and the Greatest Novels of All Time.

In addition to this weekly blog, I write the award-winning “Montclairvoyant” topical-humor column for Baristanet.com. The latest weekly piece — in which I mention a controversial redevelopment for only the billionth time this year 🙂 — is here.

85 thoughts on “Trump Also Ruins Famous Passages From Novels”

  1. Pingback: Trump Also Ruins Famous Passages From Novels — Dave Astor on Literature – dailynewsflash

  2. Hi Dave,

    A wonderful thing happened here in Australia last week. A new member for parliament made his first governmental speech by claiming that we need to vote on a ban on Muslims. The implication being that he believes the Australian people don’t want them here. He even went to so far as to use the phrase Final Solution. Hopefully it goes without saying that this wasn’t the wonderful thing that happened. What was wonderful, was the universal condemnation of his comments. Both sides of parliament absolutely slammed the racism and said it was unacceptable. Even former Senator Hanson, who is the closest thing we have to a Trump, said that Fraser Anning had gone too far. Now, I must admit that Mr Anning is an independent member, and maybe the two major parties wouldn’t have been so quick to slam him if he’d been one of theirs, but it was still nice to see it called out for what it is. I expected there to be a lot of excuses made, and fingers pointed at the media and the public for not understanding, but happily, that didn’t happen.

    I hope you don’t mind me sharing this here. I thought you might wan to know that it’s not entirely doom and gloom. I also wanted to let you know that I almost had a disastrous breakfast event on the weekend. While reading Poe’s “The Spectacles”, I just about choked on my bacon, and lost control of my coffee. SO funny! And I have my thinking cap on to come up with some continental books in the next day or so. 🙂

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    • Sue, so heartening to hear about the condemnation of that anti-Muslim politician’s comments! In the U.S., most of one side of Congress (the Democrats) would have condemned something like that, but the MANY Trump-supporting Republicans would not have. Thanks for sharing that story; I hadn’t seen it reported on in the U.S. press.

      And, yes, that Poe story is something else!

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  3. OK, here I go again getting dizzy and starting a new thread, about healthcare (see below). Clairedelune, I feel for you having to go through the whole patient/healthcare imbroglio. I do understand how difficult it is from both sides, having been there myself. As I mentioned, I would much prefer we had a better healthcare system in this country, such as Medicare for All, or something similar. I was lucky (?) enough that I went on Medicare two years after being on Social Security Disability, but of course the bad side is that that I’m considered disabled, and I’ll be so for the rest of my life. Not as bad as so many others are, so I’ll feel lucky to put up with what I have to and am more fortunate than so many others do.

    I try not to pity myself and to feel good that I can still do things like read, color, play the piano, and walk around my lovely new property, even when I get especially tired. So what if I have to use my cane or walker to get around? There’s so much worse things to deal with. Dave, as often as I feel somewhat embarrassed by having worked for a H/C company for 20 years, it is that the same employment that has given me a decent salary, benefits, bonus, and savings to go into my 401k. I hope that doesn’t sound crass, but as a woman who has had to take care of myself, it’s important to me, especially the disability part. Goodness, Dave, I really got on a tear here, so forgive me, Thanks!

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    • Hi Kat Lib! I’m a passenger in a car right now, but will try to respond to your comment on my phone. 🙂

      Medicare for All would be such an improvement!

      You have a great attitude. Yes, there are always some people who have it worse, but it’s still so difficult dealing with various levels of disability.

      Again, many of us have worked for companies we have mixed feelings about — we have to make a living! — so no need to feel embarrassed for having been with a healthcare company! I’m sure you did a lot of good there.

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      • Well, yes, one needs to have enough money coming in to take care of costs going out. That I understand this is because I got A’s in my Accounting Courses 1 & 2. I don’t mean to be flip here, but it is important to have a source of income. I wish I could be so altruistic to not worry about those things, but I’ve not quite made it there yet. I wish I could make it to the point where income didn’t matter at all, but I don’t think I’m going to make it there anytime soon. I will go back to my favorite Jane Austen, who understood that a woman needed to have a source of income, separate from her husband, especially if she was going to have to take care of herself, as well as her relations..

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        • Drolly put, Kat Lib. 🙂 One absolutely must have a source of income. Only the inheritors of fortunes (like Trump was) don’t ever have to worry about making money. And, on the subject of incomes, and incomes for women, Jane Austen was indeed wise — as always.

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  4. Last night I dreamt I went to Mar-a-Lago again. It seemed to me I stood by the iron gate leading to the drive, and for a while I could not enter for the way was barred to me. There was a padlock and a chain upon the gate. I called in my dream to the lodge-keeper, and had no answer, and peering closer through the rusted spokes of the gate I saw that the lodge was uninhabited. No smoke came from the chimney, and the little lattice windows gaped forlorn. Then, like all dreamers, I was possessed of a sudden with supernatural powers and passed like a spirit through the barrier before me. The drive wound away in front of me, twisting and turning as it had always done, but as I advanced I was aware that a change had come upon it; it was narrow and unkempt, not the drive that we had known. At first I was puzzled and did not understand, and it was only when I bent my head to avoid the low swinging branch of a tree that I realized what had happened. Mueller!!!!

    Apologies to du Maurier’s “Rebecca”, (though in fairness I changed but one word, and added but one other), and a shout-out to “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.”

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    • Love it, jhNY! Just those slight tweaks were enough — including the power and excitement of the last (hopefully) fateful word you inserted. 🙂

      Daphne du Maurier could really write, couldn’t she? A great author — and, unlike Trump, she didn’t need a ghostwriter.

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      • Her grand-daddy was likewise a literary force of real influence– I’ve got the copy of “Trilby” my father , age 9, gave his mother for Christmas in 1935– it was a used book even then, which only proves for at least 3 generations we’ve haunted the second-hand book places (her husband and she late in life ran a second-hand bookstore, as did my father, before he went on to collect books by the yard for his field of study), and the habit starts early!

        I am also fond of John Barrymore’s 1931 portrayal of Svengali in the movie bearing the name, as it’s entirely over the top and camp and fab.

        Yes, she could write, and beautifully!

        ps I first was intent to parody the opening paragraph of “A Farewell to Arms”, remembering fondly the dust on the leaves and the troops and the road (and hoping I might turn it into a description of the Women’s March January 2017), but upon rereading it, I felt I would be attempting a parody of a parody of Gertrude Stein!

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        • George du Maurier! Who, as you know, was a cartoonist, too. And I love the three-generational nature of your family’s second-hand-bookstore prowling!

          Speaking of Hemingway parodies, sometimes Hemingway was a parody of himself. 🙂

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    • Hey jhNY, Loved your comment and I was also thinking about the du Maurier quote, but instead went to the Africa one instead. But I have two words for you from last week’s blog: “The Chill” (am I correct?).

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        • Thanks for the puzzle; it was a lot of fun; although it took me longer than it should have because the author was one of my favorites. My bookshelves are still not properly organized, but this may spur me on to do so!

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          • I am reading, or rereading, all the Archer novels I can get just now– read around a half-dozen 40 years ago, and I didn’t appreciate just what an achievement the series really is. Wonderful, for me, that there are so many!

            As for your dream of proper organization, it’s one shared by Mandy and myself, but there’s no room in here to set things aside or pile nearby for any large-scale attempt at order– and ‘large-scale’ is definitely the magnitude of effort required. Best of luck to you, should you attempt such a thing!

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            • I just made a cursory glance through my shelves, and I came across the following trade paperbacks: The Goodbye Look, The Galton Case, The Wycherly Woman, Black Money, and The Drowning Pool. I know I’m missing some, so this will have to be rectified the next time I get a few gift cards from B&N, which would be soon, based on all that I’ve been spending on this home.

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  6. 1) I just walked into a room where I have a tote bag, with a quote on it from Austen’s P&P: “I am excessively diverted,” which I will turn into, “I am excessively disgusted” when it comes to Trump.

    2) On a much more somber note, I just heard the news of Aretha Franklin’s death. What a wonderful talent! I think one of the best was from the very brief clip of her life when she was appearing in the Kennedy Center Honors, and she was one to celebrate Carole King, another great songwriter/singer. When she sat at a piano and started playing and singing King’s “A Natural Woman,” King was visibly shaking and crying — what a great moment!

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    • That’s a great version of the “Pride and Prejudice” quote, Kat Lib! I think Jane Austen, if alive today, would have had a field day skewering someone like Trump. No sense and no sensibility…

      Very sad to hear this morning about Aretha Franklin’s death. She WAS an incredible talent. That voice! I’ve seen the clip of her singing “Natural Woman,” with Carole King’s intense reaction. Memorable.

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      • I had occasion in the 90’s to attempt a bit of work on her behalf. I cannot express what a thrill it was to have the opportunity to serve The Queen, though sadly, what she needed done was impossible: she wanted backing tracks of some of her early hits, but there were none made during the original sessions, and no way to remove her vocals from the rest of the music on the final mix tapes, especially as she was then in the habit of coming in with little notice to the recording studio, sitting down at the piano, singing and playing at the same time, and leaving after a few takes.

        Either she had it that day, or she didn’t, I guess. Trouble is, often the vocal mic picked up the piano, the piano mics picked up the vocal, and both picked up a little of the backing band. Even if the original multi-tracks had been preserved, and in many cases they were, it would have proved impossible to make a clean backing track without some audible trace of her original vocal.

        Strange to say, but after all her years in the studio, I was never sure she ever really focused on the recording process, or its limitations. She seemed surprised that removing the vocals from a mix was more or less impossible. Mind you, I never spoke to her directly, but was working at the instruction of her producer, another legend. It was he who told me about her surprising surprise…

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        • jhNY, a really interesting one-degree-of-separation memory of Aretha Franklin. Thank you! I guess performers (and non-performers) can be great at one thing or several things but not great at everything.

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          • (I think my life story can largely be described as Zelig-like, with one degree of separation being the rule, not the exception.)

            I hope, among all the deserved accolades she receives today, that what is not lost are Aretha Franklin’s long-standing associations with the civil rights movement, most especially with Martin Luther King, who was a friend of her father, the Reverend CL Franklin. King often stayed at the Franklin home when he was in Detroit, and the elder Franklin and King marched together in Detroit in 1963’s Walk to Freedom. Not coincidentally, and to me a bit amazing: CL Franklin’s parents were sharecroppers in Mississippi. That’s a far piece to travel in 3 generations!

            Sadly, CL Franklin was left in a coma after what appeared to be an attempted robbery in 1979, and lived for years after, in the family home, cared for by his family, without ever regaining consciousness. he died in 1984.

            Another of her contributions to the movement; one I’d count as being invaluable and healing: her recording of Reach Out and Touch Somebody’s Hand, written by Ashford and Simpson.

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            • Well, Zelig was famous in a way. 🙂

              Very glad you mentioned Aretha Franklin’s involvement in the civil rights movement. She was courageous in that way, because it could have hurt her career. And, yes, that was quite a three-generational jump you mentioned!

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              • After watching the coverage of her life on MSNBC today, I’ll have to say that much of it had to do with her civil rights work, especially by her friend the Rev. Al Sharpton.

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  9. I’m not sure this is exactly right, but I got kudos from my junior high school English high school teacher who assigned my class to come up with a satire. What I came up with was Miniver Cheaply from Miniver Cheevy. That’s all I remember but my teacher thought that was really good and I was the only one to get it. I can’t remember if that was the entire title of the poem, but I’d love to know if you would tell me if I was correct or if I remembered it wrong. Thanks!

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    • Kat Lib, I had actually never heard of the “Miniver Cheevy” poem before seeing your comment! But “Miniver Cheaply” is VERY clever. And though you came up with that title change years ago, it does apply to Trump because he’s notoriously cheap in some ways — like when paying workers, using charity money for himself, etc.

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      • Just as an aside, Miniver Cheevy was penned by Edwin A. Robinson (didn’t someone on this blog mention him recently?). He also wrote the poem “Richard Cory” that was put to music by Paul Simon, which appeared on their “The Sound of Silence” album. I wonder if that was where I first became aware of “Miniver Cheevy”? But, yes Dave, I didn’t realize how much he exemplified the moniker I gave him in my take on that poem!

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      • After thinking about it, the assignment might have been a parody as opposed to a satire, so sorry if I misled anyone. The definition of a parody is: a humorous or satirical imitation of a serious piece of literature or writing. Reading the definition, it is not made clear, because it does reference satirical imitation. I suppose it doesn’t really matter, because all I remember is the title, but it really is a point of pride with me. Does anyone have any idea about this ?

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  12. Lee Child “ Never Go Back “, none of the past Presidents will ever step in there as long as trump holds the office.

    Oh btw Omarosa is getting her fifteen minutes fame , going from network to network today even in PBS news. Rumor, she has tapes of Jarvanka..oh my 😉

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    • Ooh, I like that “Never Go Back” reference, bebe! Yes, Carter, the two Bushes, Clinton, and Obama would have little interest in visiting the White House while the Devil-in-Chief is there.

      If more of those tapes Omarosa has or knows about are released, I don’t care if she gets 30 minutes or even 45 minutes of fame… 🙂

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      • I don`t either Dave, the title of her book is ” Unhinged” , perfect title of trump !

        Our library manager came back from her couple of weeks trip from France, London, Rome and she says people thinks we are ” idiots”.
        So I say to her I requested the book, she tells me..oh no..” I can`t stand her”, another librarian tells me the same.

        Let`s see who can un-glue that Lowlife-in-Chief Donald Trump.

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        • Thank you for the link, bebe! It’s a really good column by a really good columnist.

          And I know what you mean about how people in other countries think the U.S. is nuts for voting in Trump. (I certainly heard some of that when I was in France this spring.) Fortunately, many non-Americans realize Trump was elected by a minority of voters and that a clear majority of Americans despise the guy. But, still, it doesn’t say anything positive about the U.S. when 30% of the population (or whatever the number is) supports a person as truly evil as Trump.

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  13. A painfully observant column, Dave, the kind of creativity that causes a degree of discomfort and a shifting in one’s seat.

    Here’s my contribution: “Fat, dumpy Buck Trumpagain came from the escalator, bearing a bowl of bullsh*t on which a senator and a congressman lay crossed.”

    —Ulysses by James Joyce

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  14. Well, we all know Rump does not read save his crude, simplistic, sophomoric “tweets” or a newspaper byline, so its not worth it, in my opinion, to equate literary text to him in any way. He is not deserving of the Presidency. I can put in writing he is reprehensible and vile on a myriad of levels which can equate to characters in literature like Ebenezer Scrooge (before redemption that is.) Not sure if Rump can ever be redeemed. He just does not CARE about anyone else but himself. Equate him to narcissists in literature, for sure. The Picture of Dorian Gray comes to mind.

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    • Good point, Michele! The idea of literature and the willfully ignorant Trump having any connection is definitely far-fetched. But I wanted to vent about Trump somehow, and I write a literature blog, so… 🙂

      And, yes, Scrooge is Trump-like until his redemption, but I agree there is no chance for redemption for Trump. Even Satan would have enough standards to kick Donald out of Hell.

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  15. Bran thought about it. “Can a man still be brave if he’s afraid?”

    “That is the only time a man can be brave,” his father told him. “Unfortunately, Trump hasn’t learned that lesson.”

    With apologies to George RR Martin and Ned Stark.

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    • Great and profound, Elena.

      Yes, Trump is afraid and not brave — with one example being the way he afflicts the afflicted and comforts the comfortable. He doesn’t have the guts, doesn’t have the interest, and is too greedy himself to take on the rich and powerful.

      As he pecks out malicious tweets on his mobile device, for him it’s a “Game of Phones.”

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    • Thank you, Paula! I know what you mean — the many millions of people disgusted with Trump might go crazy without trying to laugh once in a while.

      And, speaking of laughing, one of Trump’s countless faults is not having a sense of humor.

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  17. “The fault, dear Trumpian, is not in your stars, / But in yourselves, that you voted for this exceedingly inferior candidate.”
    With apologies to Shakespeare, “Julius Caesar,” which of course is a play, not a novel.

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    • Excellent, Kat Lib! Thank you!

      Plays are literature, so this definitely works. 🙂 Plus there’s John Green’s “The Fault in Our Stars” novel (which you recommended to me a while back and I found very moving).

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      • Yes, Clairdelune, the non-rich among Trump’s supporters are SO gullible. They’re getting totally harmed by his awful policies. But I guess many of them share his virulent racism, so there’s that connection… 😦

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        • I changed around some of his quotes: “I Dreamed of that S***hole country of Africa.” (I Dreamed of Africa by Kuki Gallman); and
          “My favorite book is the Bible, and my favorite passage comes from Two Corinthians.”

          It’s amazing to me that we have such an illiterate sitting president! I was just watching The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and he said that apparently Trump wanted to take his oath of office using “The Art of the Deal,” rather than the Bible. And he didn’t even write the former, his ghostwriter did!

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          • Kat Lib, a brilliant riff on “I Dreamed of Africa”!

            It IS incredible that we have such an ignorant president — and what makes it worse is that he revels in his ignorance and doesn’t try to improve himself. If Trump didn’t have an ultra-rich father, he would never have had any kind of decent career.

            As you know, not only did Trump not write “The Art of the Deal,” but the ghostwriter despises him.

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            • Yes, but did you not know that Trump is the smartest person in the world, at least according to him! And that he went to the best schools, knows the best people, and on and on again! I don’t know how to describe him any more — he’s such a narcissist, but that seems like it doesn’t even come close to describing him because he is so despicable.

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  19. Dave, I liked all your comments! 😛
    Your “edited” comments elicited a combination of giggles, exclamations of “right on!” and heartfelt curses.
    I always enjoy reading your column, but have had little time to join in due to a combination of too much urgent work, computer troubles and – siggghh – a natural slowing down, both physical and mental… 😦

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    • Thanks so much for the kind praise, Clairdelune, and it’s nice to hear from you! I totally understand that you can only drop by here occasionally.

      Sorry about your computer troubles, your continuing work overload, and your not feeling ideal. I hope at some point soon that you won’t need to accept as many assignments.

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      • I have reduced the workload somewhat, but since the cost of my health insurance has doubled following this year’s great improvements… I just hope there aren’t too many more of such social/financial “great improvements”, can’t afford them. :-[

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        • So sorry to hear about your health insurance costs doubling, Clairdelune. One of countless ways the policies of Trump and other far-right Republicans are hurting almost everybody who’s not wealthy.

          The last line of your comment says it all. 😦

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              • I don’t know if I ever said anything here about having worked for a huge healthcare company; I suppose I’m now somewhat ashamed of it, but I first joined the company back in 1992, when I thought I was doing good work to help people get healthcare, plus having had quite a few medical problems myself, I found it all somewhat interesting. I always worked for medical director/s and it WAS interesting, learning as much as I did about medical matters. I had my days wanting to quit, after being yelled at all day long, but mostly I enjoyed working with patients and doing all I could to help them through the system. as well as their providers. I attended meetings (taking minutes) certain medical directors had to attend, either credentialing, quality assurance, or case management, etc. I must say that the docs attending all those meetings were mostly caring and just wanted to do the best they could, under the terms of their agreements with the company. I’m not talking about the heads of the company, and I was at the point where I felt that definitely Medicare for All was the way to go. Before I could do anything, I fell and broke my hip and started to head down the road of becoming a professional patient and was on disability for the rest of my working career when I reached the age of being retired. So, no one ever knows where life is going to lead them. After I was on disability for two years, I automatically was put on Medicare only being 63. It was such a good thing for me, especially not having to use my H/C for all my medical costs.

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                • Thank you for the heartfelt comment, Kat Lib, and for sharing some of your background as a health-care employee and as a patient.

                  Many of us have to work for companies we have mixed feelings about.

                  And I have no doubt that most doctors, most nurses, most health-care company employees, etc., are caring people. The heads of those companies? Mostly focused on maximizing profits and making huge salaries. 😦

                  As you allude to with Medicare, I think that government programs — while not perfect — are much more humane than what comes out of health-care companies and other private-sector entities.

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