Older Women, Younger Men, and a Newborn Blog Post

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As in real life, many novels feature couples consisting of a younger woman and a man older than she is. So it’s refreshingly different when the age gap goes in the opposite gender direction.

I most recently experienced this last week when reading Elin Hilderbrand’s excellent early-career novel Barefoot, which includes a man in his early 20s who has an affair with a woman in her early 30s during a summer in Nantucket, Massachusetts. The relationship works for multiple reasons, even as both characters’ life situations are rather complicated.

One of the best-known examples of this “genre” is Terry McMillan’s How Stella Got Her Groove Back, which stars a divorced 42-year-old woman who finds romance during a Jamaica vacation with a man half her age.

Three-quarters of a century earlier, Colette offered a similar 40-something/20-something dynamic in Cheri — which was followed by The Last of Cheri sequel.

Bernhard Schlink’s The Reader features a 36-year-old woman (a former Nazi guard) and a 15-year-old teen boy. As you can imagine, things get rather fraught personally and politically.

Then there’s Harold and Maude — released as a movie and a Colin Higgins-written novelization of that movie at roughly the same time. In the film, which became a cult classic, Harold is about 20 and Maude is 79, with the “hook” that Maude has a more youthful personality and sunnier outlook on life than the morbid Harold.

Another novel lesser known than its film version is Charles Webb’s The Graduate, in which Benjamin has an affair with Mrs. Robinson, the wife of his father’s business partner.

There are obviously many examples in fiction of a woman being only a modest number of years older than the man with whom she is romantically involved. For instance, the time-traveling Claire is Jamie’s senior by about five years in Diana Gabaldon’s Outlander books.

Of course, novels with an older man and a younger woman can also work, but it depends. One reason I found Marilynne Robinson’s Gilead kind of off-putting was because its elderly pastor was so much older than his wife. (He was sort of a fictional religious version of celebrities such as The Rolling Stones’ Mick Jagger and football coach Bill Belichick, who are both in relationships with much-younger women.) But somehow the romance between Jane Eyre and the two-decades-older Edward Rochester felt right — partly because Jane was emotionally and intellectually very mature for her age in Charlotte Bronte’s novel.

We will not mention what goes on in Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita…

Your thoughts about, and examples of, this topic?

Misty the cat says: “All those flowers are white? Trump’s anti-DEI efforts have gone too far.”

My comedic 2024 book — the part-factual/part-fictional/not-a-children’s-work Misty the Cat…Unleashed — is described and can be purchased on Amazon in paperback or on Kindle. It’s feline-narrated! (And Misty says Amazon reviews are welcome. 🙂 )

This 90-second promo video for my book features a talking cat: 🙂

I’m also the author of a 2017 literary-trivia book…

…and a 2012 memoir that focuses on cartooning and more.

In addition to this weekly blog, I write the 2003-started/award-winning “Montclairvoyant” topical-humor column every Thursday for Montclair Local. The latest piece — about a confusing proposed school district budget — is here.

91 thoughts on “Older Women, Younger Men, and a Newborn Blog Post”

  1. My husband is 5 years younger than me, and it’s been like raising another child. I love Harold and Maude! Not only is the movie funny and full of quirky characters, but the Cat Stevens music and message about love and attitude make the film worth seeing.

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    • Thank you, Dawn! Ha! 😂 I hope you’re exaggerating about your husband being kind of like raising another child. 🙂

      I totally agree with you about “Harold and Maude” — including its characters, its message, its humor, and the great music by a young Cat Stevens.

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  2. Misty’s by-line is very funny today. The husband in The Sealwoman’s Gift was much older than the wife. I think arranged marriages can result in an older husband from what I’ve read. My experience with big age gaps either way is that it becomes more difficult later when one partner is elderly and the other still reasonably young.

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  3. Great post Dave. And what fab comments. Had to giggle at the thread between you and Resa. Courtney Cox came to mind as an actress rather than a book character. Okay she ain’t in he same class as Cher but her man is a bit younger and they’ve been together a while. Smaller age gap but slightly older woman is Anna Karenin and Vronsky, highlighting the benefits of someone even that bit younger when you’re stuck in the ‘class’ and fancy background biz , with a staid, older hubby.

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    • Thank you, Shehanne! I agree about the “fab comments,” including Resa’s. 🙂

      I just looked up Courteney Cox, and see that she is 12 years older than her partner. (Time flies; I first remember seeing her in Bruce Springsteen’s 1980s “Dancing in the Dark” video, years before she was on “Friends.”)

      And great mention of the “Anna Karenina” lovers!

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  4. Great photo capture and review Dave. I like the tables tiring here.
    Loved Terry McMillan’s How Stella Got Her Groove Back!
    I experience the Jamaica “come on” there with letters coming home later and I was married.
    You do know he divorced her later, yes? 😭😇

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    • Thank you, Cindy! I enjoyed the “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” novel, too.

      A later divorce? 😂 😦 Some of those big-age-gap relationships just don’t last.

      I didn’t know the Jamaica “come on” was a thing. Must have been very annoying or interesting or both.

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  5. Well, I have tried to think about any other younger man and older woman in a novel, nothing springs to my mind, however. The only thing I thought was the song by Rod Stewart – Maggie May – and that was a very long time ago!

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    • Thank you, Darryl! Great mention of “Summer of ’42”! I remember seeing that movie when I was a kid. I checked Wikipedia, and apparently there was a novelization of the film. I hadn’t heard of “Adore,” but looked it up and the story line — about two middle-aged female friends who have relationships with each other’s sons — definitely fits this topic.

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  7. I’m so glad to see you still enjoying Hilderbrand! 🙂 I’m due to start picking up some of her books again as well! I can’t think of an example to add other than the ones you mentioned, but I did just finish a novel where a younger woman falls for a much older man. It didn’t quite work for me in this particular story, having a bit too much of an “ick” factor. The age difference on its own I think would have been okay, but with the couple’s lives having been so intertwined in a family-like way up until the romantic twist, it just didn’t quite work for me!

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    • Thank you, M.B.! Yes, I’m still very much enjoying that author; after writing this post, I also read Hilderbrand’s “The Perfect Couple,” which was excellent. It’s actually a full-blown murder (?) mystery novel amid all the Nantucket stuff.

      As I mentioned in another comment or two, a VERY wide age gap in a romantic relationship (as in one member of the couple being old enough to be the grandparent of the other if they were related) is not appealing and feels wrong.

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  8. I don’t have any examples to add, but I wanted to thank you for including this topic in your thoughtful posts. With the news telling us about Mick Jagger and Belichick, it’s good to hear about examples of the opposite age-gap happening.

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    • Thank you, Dave! Yes, it’s nice to see older woman/younger man relationships sometimes, whether in fiction or real life. I don’t have much of a problem with the opposite, but the age gaps in the respective relationships that Jagger (44 years) and Belichick (49 years) are in is ridiculous.

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  11. I can only think of 1 non-fiction book “The Passion of Ayn Rand”

    It was written by Barbara Branden, who was the wife of Nathaniel Branden.

    Barbara and Nathaniel were married. Ayn Rand was married to Frank Connor. They were all good friends and devotees of Ayn’s philosophies.

    While they were both married, Ayn and Nathaniel had a years long affair, with the knowledge of the spouses.

    Anyway, Barbara wrote “The Passion of Ayn Rand” about all that.

    SHOWTIME made it into a movie starring Helen Mirren, Peter Fonda, Eric Stoltz and Julie Delpy.

    I was the extremely happy Costume Designer.

    I got to meet Barbara Branden, and spent a lot of time chatting with her on set. A most intriguing time of my life.

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    • Thank you, Resa! Sounds like a memorable costume-designing experience! And a very impressive cast for that movie.

      I find Ayn Rand’s social/political philosophy really off-putting, but she certainly lived an interesting life.

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      • Yes, she did live an interesting life.

        Definitely off putting!

        The main take away I got after reading a few books, (some she wrote and some biographical), talking to Barbara and observing her in an appearance on Phil Donahue was, a hypocrite and legend in her own mind.

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        • “…a hypocrite and legend in her own mind” — well said! Re the hypocrisy, didn’t Rand collect Social Security benefits even though she was against people getting money from the government? Of course, Americans fund their own Social Security through deductions from their paychecks, so I can see a potential loophole there for an anti-government fanatic. 🙂

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          • Not only that, but she had a group around her called “The Collective”, which was in itself an hypocrisy to what she purported.
            (Alan Greenspan 13th chairman of the Federal Reserve was part of The Collective)
            I can’t remember what lead me to that conclusion, but it was something anti about forming clubs or groups.

            And wow, she really loved to dish out criticism, but she sure couldn’t take it. 🤔🙃

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  12. Hi Dave!

    Another fascinating post! For some reason I immediately thought of the 1970 British film ‘Ryan’s Daughter’ where the main character played by Sarah Mills is married to the much older Robert Mitchum. The marriage was doomed to failure!!! An excellent complex movie.

    I really enjoyed ‘How Stella Got Her Groove Back’. The book and movie are very amusing and enjoyable. Thanks Dave, great post once again.

    Sharon

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  13. Joan Collins has a long marriage to a much younger man. Taye Diggs,in your photo from Stella Got Her Groove back was married to Idina Menzel who is in a very moving,visually spectacular Broadway musical called Redwood, I saw yesterday’s matinee,closing soon. She named the Redwood tree that helps her heal the loss of her son ,she named the tree Stella. I recommend Redwood,its a special theatrical experience.

    Michele

    E & P way back

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    • Thank you, Michele! I didn’t realize Taye Diggs and Idina Menzel (“Wicked”!) had been married. Sounds like a shame that the “Redwood” musical in which Menzel stars is closing. Glad you got a chance to see something you liked a lot and were moved by.

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  14. Another thoughtful post and follow-up discussion, Dave.
    Age-gap relationships have always held a certain fascination, and this intrigue extends to the realm of literature. Books featuring these unconventional pairings, which often transcend the typical romance genre, offer a unique lens through which to examine complex social dynamics. The appeal lies in the exploration of power imbalances, societal expectations, and the negotiation of different life stages within a relationship.

    These narratives provide opportunity to witness how characters navigate the challenges and rewards of bridging generational divides. Age-gap relationships often present unique hurdles, such as differing cultural references, career aspirations, and family expectations.

    Age-gap relationships, where there is a significant difference in age between partners, are a recurring theme in ancient myths and legends across various cultures. Think of Zeus and his various goddesses and mortal women. And the Egyptian god Ra and his relationships. There are also stories of older women and younger men. Consider the relationship between Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love and beauty, and Adonis, a mortal youth of exceptional beauty. Aphrodite, a mature and powerful goddess, was captivated by Adonis’s youthful charm.

    I think that Anais Nin has the right of it when she wrote: “Age does not protect you from love. But love, to some extent, protects you from age.”

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    • Thank you, Rebecca! You’re so right that relationships with large age gaps face challenges because of reasons such as “differing cultural references, career aspirations, and family expectations.”

      Interesting that age-gap relationships figure at least somewhat prominently in ancient myths and legends. I guess those who came up with said myths and legends were thinking about that “topic” a lot, and perhaps experiencing age-gap relationships in some of their own lives.

      When I think of lives of long ago, I think of H. Rider Haggard’s 19th-century “She” novel, in which the title character appears young but is actually 2,000 years old. So there’s a bit of an age gap with her normal-human “boyfriend.” 🙂

      Great Anais Nin quote!

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      • An excellent insight, Martina! I agree. I believe that one of the primary ways finances influence age-gap relationships is through the potential for financial inequality. Often, the older partner is more established in their career and has accumulated more wealth, while the younger partner may be earlier in their career or still building their financial foundation. This disparity can create power imbalances within the relationship, where the wealthier partner may exert more control over financial decisions or the lifestyle of the couple.

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  15. I’m thinking of Breakfast At Tiffany’s in which Holly Golightly, the wanna be Manhattan socialite, was actually married to a much older man, Doc Golightly, from Texas. She was a teenager at the time. Then there’s Henry James’s novel Washington Square in which a very innocent yet repressed Catherine Sloper falls in love with a more worldly Morris Townsend, who is looking to improve his lot in life. Though it doesn’t give away their ages, one would think it was Catherine rather than Morris who was much older, primarily because of her social isolation.

    As the saying goes “you only live once, but you can be immature forever” so age is more than just a physical thing; it can be a mental and emotional state of being as well. IDK human relationships are far too complicated for my tastes re older/younger individuals, lavender lifestyles, gigolos and gigolas. A melting pot of enigmas to say the least. Great theme, Dave. Thanks, Susi

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    • Thank you, Susi! Henry James certainly had age gaps in more than one of his novels. If I’m remembering right, Isabel Archer was quite a bit younger than Gilbert Osmond, who she unwisely married in “The Portrait of a Lady” (my favorite James novel).

      Love that line “you only live once, but you can be immature forever” and your words surrounding it in your second paragraph. 🙂

      Romantic relationships between people of different generations can be tricky; among other things, there can be differences in maturity and they don’t always share the same cultural touchstones.

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      • When we only depend on one definition of what a man is and/or what a woman is we’ve already wandered into the weeds re why particular relationships work or do not work. From my own example, re younger women and older men, my great aunt was 14 when she married, only because she she was then able to adopt her sister (my grandmother) and her brother in order to get them out of the Catholic orphanage where their father placed them after the death of their mother. They were victims of a lot of abuse. It’s rather sad what we suffer in life because of love or because of the lack of it. Susi

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        • Wow, Susi, that’s quite a story. So young to marry, but for a good cause: to get two siblings out of an awful Catholic orphanage. It’s appalling the way some religious institutions treat people. 😦

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  17. Another interesting theme, Dave. Relationships between older women and younger men have always been frowned upon in society. Sad to say, I cannot add to the examples you have cited. While the real-life case of an uncle who married an older woman with two young children lasted until death, my son’s marriage to a woman twice his age did not end well.

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  18. Thank you Dave for your very special topic of this week! A very long time ago I read a book by a South African writer J.M. Coetzee who wrote “Disgrace” in which a professor for English literature had several sexual relationships with various women, but, especially, if I remember well, with a young girl student! The worst was that he didn’t show any regret and in the end lost his job as a consequence. I remember that I very much liked this book!

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    • Thank you, Martina, for that J.M. Coetzee example! Definitely exploitive and a power imbalance when a male professor has a relationship with a student. And no guilty conscience makes it even worse.

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  19. I loved “The Reader,” even though it was a bit depressing! Vita Sackville West’s “All Passion Spent” did, I think, feature an age gap difference, too, although it’s been a while since I last read this book! I thought Mrs De Winter and Max’s relationship worked well in “Rebecca,” but I know what you mean about the male/female age gap with an older man being a tricky one to pull off! Thanks for sharing. 😊💜

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    • Thank you, Ada! I agree that “The Reader” was depressing, but fortunately well done. And I appreciated seeing your Vita Sackville-West and Daphne du Maurier examples! In another novel by the latter author, “My Cousin Rachel,” I think Rachel is about 10 years older than the Philip character who’s enamored with her.

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  20. As always, I found your post fascinating.
    As soon as I read the title, I thought of Harold and Maude, with their enormous age difference but whose spirit is inversely proportional to their age, and of Mrs. Robinson 😉🌹

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  21. Hello, Dave. A touching, funny, and (to me) realistic book about an older woman and younger man about half her age falling in love is Nick Hornby’s JUST LIKE YOU. I’ve read six of Hornby’s novels, all set in the UK, and although my favorite will always be the first, HIGH FIDELITY, which made me laugh until my stomach ached, I like them all very much. He always has very appealing characters with interesting problems to solve.

    My own mystery series, the four Linder and Donatelli police procedurals set in Bern, Switzerland, (where I live, as you know) involves a detective in his mid-thirties falling in love with his policewoman boss in her mid-forties. Since both are married and have kids, this is especially complicated. Each of the four crime novels has its own stand-alone plot, but the detectives’ attraction to each other is an on-going theme of the series. The fourth one, SPLINTERED JUSTICE, was just published.

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  23. Thinking cap on here Dave, as every week, for yet another great topic. Off the top of my head I have to say that I love Chaucer’s Wife of Bath and the young not-long-ago-student, Johnny, who she takes for her fifth husband for love, rather than money (as we’re led to believe was the basis for her previous four marriages). They have a difficult time, as he tends to be abusive, but she eventually gets one over on him and then he’s under the thumb for the rest of his life. Then, back in Ancient Greece, there’s the passion of Phaedra for her husband’s son by a previous marriage – an unequal relationship and one with a tragic outcome. More recently, ‘Not My Country’ by my friend A.E. Dean deals with an encounter by a retired woman and a man in his twenties – but it’s not a romantic relationship, rather two people poles apart learning and trying to reconcile their differences. Personally, in ‘You Know What You Did’ I have widowed woman in an affair with a male student half her age – they both have their reasons, and love doesn’t come into it. I also have a WIP with an older woman, younger man dynamic, but I’ve been picking it up and putting it down for a couple of years and don’t know when – if ever – it will see the light of day. At the other end of the spectrum – older man, younger woman – there are far too many, but those that don’t work spring to mind, like Mr Bounderby marrying Louisa Gradgrind in ‘Hard Times’. The usual Victorian principle applies, it happened far too often – and we shouldn’t forget Dickens himself, and his secret (in his lifetime) affair with Ellen Ternan. My own ‘Fairytales Don’t Come True’ has a young female student in a relationship with a man far too old for her – but there’s a reason for it in the message of the book. Whatever, I think I’ve delighted you enough (as Mr Bennett would say) so I’ll get outta here. If I think of any more I’ll be back, otherwise have a great week. 🙂 🙂 🙂

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    • Thank you, Laura, for all those examples — including long-ago ones (from the times of Chaucer and ancient Greece). And, yes, MANY examples of older men/younger women in novels (“Middlemarch” is another one that comes to mind) and in the lives of authors themselves (Dickens, as you note, and also Cormac McCarthy, etc.). But some exceptions (including Robert Louis Stevenson, whose wife Fanny was a decade older than him).

      Have a great week, too!

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