
Friday’s edition of The New York Times. (Photo by me.)
With the corrupt Donald Trump deservedly convicted this past Thursday on 34 counts of falsifying records to cover up a sex scandal that threatened his ultimately successful 2016 presidential campaign, it’s time to change some book titles!
The presumptive 2024 Republican presidential nominee — history’s first former Oval Office occupant to ever be convicted — also faces three future trials for taking home classified documents and fomenting the January 6, 2021, assault on the U.S. Capitol building after falsely claiming he won the 2020 election he clearly lost.
Anyway, on to the revised titles…
Portnoy’s Complaint becomes Stormy’s Complaint. (As in Stormy Daniels, the woman with whom the married Trump had sex and then paid off to keep silent.)
Death Comes for the Archbishop becomes Seth Comes for the Archvillain. (If Seth was one of the jurors’ names.)
Their Eyes Were Watching God becomes Jury’s Ayes Were Splotching Don. (From Hurston to hurts him.)
The Age of Innocence becomes The Age of Guiltiness. (Hmm…we have Edith Wharton, even as Trump is a Wharton School alum.)
Gone with the Wind becomes Don Who Has Sinned.
The Secret Life of Bees becomes His Overt Life of Sleaze.
The Shipping News becomes The Stripping News.
Dona Flor and Her Two Husbands becomes Donald Flawed and His Three Wives. (Plus many paramours.)
Don Quixote becomes Don’s Felonies.
The Count of Monte Cristo becomes The 34 Counts of Don T.: Bozo.
Fahrenheit 451 becomes Fahrenheit 34.
Catch-22 becomes Catch-34.
The Catcher in the Rye becomes He Was Caught in the Lies.
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man becomes A Portrait of the Adulterer as a Con Man.
The Book Thief becomes The Crook Chief.
A Painted House becomes A Tainted Louse.
Devil in a Blue Dress becomes Devil in a Blue Suit.
A Clockwork Orange becomes A Clocked Jerk, Orange. (Referring to Trump’s makeup color.)
The Mill on the Floss becomes A Chill on the Boss.
Winesburg, Ohio becomes Whines Big, Anywhere.
The Old Man and the Sea becomes The Old Man and the Glee. (Yes, many are happy with the verdict against the 77-year-old Trump.)
Crime and Punishment becomes Crime and Hopefully Major Punishment.
A Passage to India becomes A Passage to Incarceration. (If only…)
A Gentleman in Moscow becomes A Charlatan in Hoosegow. (Slang for jail. If only…)
One Hundred Years of Solitude becomes A Few Years of Solitary. (If only…)
From Here to Eternity becomes From Here to Uncertainty. (Trump’s 2024 presidential prospects.)
Any other revised titles you’d like to suggest?
Dave’s literary-trivia book is described and can be purchased here: Fascinating Facts About Famous Fiction Authors and the Greatest Novels of All Time.
In addition to this weekly blog, Dave writes the 2003-started/award-winning “Montclairvoyant” topical-humor column every Thursday for Montclair Local. The latest piece — about topics such as a too-big project approved again — is here.









