Characters from Classic Novels Take to Social Media

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The mature and measured U.S. president.

Donald Trump constantly posts unhinged messages on his social media platform Truth Social (aka Lie Social). Threatening genocide against Iran, showing an image of himself as Jesus Christ, denouncing Pope Leo XIV for wanting peace in the world, cursing at people who don’t “bend the knee” to him, etc. So, I’d like to offer more respectable — and more enjoyable — social media content: posts by various characters from classic literature. (With fictional comments responding to those fictional posts.) The characters inhabit novels published long before the existence of Facebook, X, Bluesky, Instagram, and other platforms, but they still managed to make their online thoughts known.

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Jane Eyre: “Here’s a photo I took tonight of a tree that got split by lightning just after R asked me to marry him. Cool!”

Rochelle from Rochester: “Jane, not sure that’s cool; the severed tree could symbolize a coming rupture in your relationship.”

Jane: “As Freud might say after he’s eventually born, sometimes a tree is just a tree.”

Thornfield Hall & Oates: “Charlotte Bronte, please weigh in here.”

Charlotte: “I’ll try, but the WiFi in Haworth Parsonage is spotty.”

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Rodion Raskolnikov: “I heard that the popular co-hosts of the I’ve Had It podcast are ‘killing it.’ That means I have something in common with them.”

St. Petersburger King: “You actually murdered people; podcasters Jennifer Welch and Angie ‘Pumps’ Sullivan did not.”

Raskolnikov: “I had my reasons for doing the Crime that might lead to Punishment, but at least I didn’t bomb a girls’ school like the Trump regime did in Iran.”

Sonya Semyonovna Marmeladova: “Fyodor Dostoevsky, could you extract Raskolnikov from his time warp? And give me a shorter name while you’re at it.”

Dostoevsky: “I’m busy deciding on a first name for the repulsive dad in my novel The Brothers Karamazov. Let’s see…Biff? No. Chuck? No. Rocky? No. Fyodor? Yes!”

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Paul Baumer: “I’m told it’s All Quiet on the Western Front, but the occasional new western novel and occasional new western movie means that genre is not totally quiet. Plus I’m not sure if I’m fighting in World War I or The Great War.”

Wiser than the Kaiser: “Actually, they’re the same conflict. When The Great War happened, no one knew there’d be a World War II that would retrospectively lead to The Great War being renamed World War I.”

Paul: “I did not live to see World War II, or to even read the World War Z zombie apocalypse novel by Max Brooks, son of Mel Brooks and Anne Bancroft. Young Frankenstein was The Graduate, right?

Archie Triumph: “Erich Maria Remarque, could you rein in your protagonist?”

Erich: “I married Charlie Chaplin’s former wife, actress Paulette Goddard, so get off my case.”

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Queequeg: “I’d post a video of The Great White Whale, but Apple has yet to develop a harpoon with a phone camera.”

Mel from Melville: “Given that you’re in a novel with lots of gravitas, shouldn’t the Moby-Dick whale have the more-formal name of Moby-Richard?”

Queequeg: “Call me, Ishmael, if my harpoon ever gets a smartphone.”

This Billy Budd’s for You: “Herman Melville, tell Captain Ahab to start monitoring his crew’s social media content.”

Herman Melville: “Herman Munster has the same initials as me.”

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Edmond Dantes: “Given that it’s tax season, what is The Count of Monte Cristo’s count — according to his accountant?”

Chateau d’ifs, ands, or buts: “Depends on whether you, Edmond/Count, declared Abbe Faria a dependent.”

Edmond: “Actually, I was more a dependent of Faria’s than he was of me in the Chateau d’if island prison.”

Rhea Venge: “Alexandre Dumas, could you have The Three Musketeers stick a sword in this blog post? It’s done.”

—

Note: My next post might publish on Monday, April 27, rather than Sunday, April 26.

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Misty the cat says: “The novel ‘All the Light We Cannot See’ seems to have missed that lamp.”

My comedic 2024 book — the part-factual/part-fictional/not-a-children’s-work Misty the Cat…Unleashed — is described and can be purchased on Amazon in paperback or on Kindle. It’s feline-narrated! (And Amazon reviews are welcome. 🙂 )

This 90-second promo video for the book features a talking cat: 🙂

I’m also the author of a 2017 literary-trivia book…

…and a 2012 memoir that focuses on cartooning and more, including many encounters with celebrities.

In addition to this weekly blog, I write the 2003-started/award-winning “Montclairvoyant” topical-humor column every Thursday for Montclair Local. The latest piece — about topics such as steeply rising health-insurance costs hurting my town’s municipal budget — is here.

78 thoughts on “Characters from Classic Novels Take to Social Media”

  1. Made my day too – another day when the sun went awol at 12 and hasn’t been back. Thanks

    One sunny day in a city centre, a few years ago, somebody in combats made an unprovoked and vicious attack on a child of six. supposedly for offences long before that child was born. Injuries serious, not life theatening, police verdict – child had been lucky

    Legal position ? Attacker a danger to self and others, unfut to plead. Secure hospital, indefinite detention.

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  2. I’m not joining into Trump tirades anymore. He’s just the epitome of all what’s wrong in the US. Could as well go into a rant about an airconditioned nightmare and its last spasms before the world will, in a couple of years, wake up into a new reality. Little bit similar to the sudden collapse of the soviet imperium. All it takes is that the Chinese throw their US debt certificates in one move on the markets to cause a USD meltdown (the BRIC countries are already setting up a monetary system wherein the USD is not anymore the world’s reserve currency).

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    • Thank you, Shaharee! I hear you — Trump is specifically awful, of course, but he’s also a symbol of the worst of the U.S. and some of its population: the racism, the misogyny, the homophobia, the anti-intellectualism, the corruption, the greed, the imperialism, etc. When Trump is gone, all those strains will remain. And, yes, U.S. leaders might wake up someday and see the country no longer being the most powerful on Earth. The U.S. has certainly lost a ton of respect.

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  4. I love your clever posts, Dave. There is such wit here, but also a real affection for literature and the characters who continue to live beyond their own pages. I found myself imagining how Frodo, Samwise and Gandalf might fare online.

    Frodo: “Carrying a ring to Mordor. Long walk. Little support. #NoPressure”

    Gandalf: “All who wander are not lost, but some clearly need directions.”

    Samwise Replies: “Mr. Frodo forgot second breakfast again.”

    There is something delightful in seeing timeless characters dropped into modern absurdities.

    I am reminded that literary characters still speak to our world, only now perhaps with usernames!!😂😂😂

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  10. Don Quixote to Sancho: Stand back while I obliterate this beast. You know they kill whales and turn into rusted garbage.

    Sancho to RFK: We ‘re gonna need more Adderall.

    RFK: Oops, I got rid of them along with other ADHD treatments. But, I’m very good at spreading measles if that helps.

    Thanks Dave for the hilarious theme. Missed you, Susi

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    • Thank you very much, Susi, and welcome back! Hope things have been going well for you.

      I enjoyed your free-associative comment about the awful/awfully weird RFK Jr. — hilarious and depressing at the same time. 😂 😦

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      • Thanks Dave. I just found out some time ago that a friend died in 2008 and have been looking for an obituary or gravesite and have spent 3 months on it– still nothing. Its enough to make me wonder if I dreamed it all. *sigh* And my cat had 3 kittens which I didn’t dream ha!

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        • Sorry, Susi, about the frustration trying to find more information about your 2008-deceased friend. Hope you have better luck with that. And — wow — major news in your cat world!

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  19. Excellent work, Dave. I fear I’d struggle to come up with anything as good; I have trouble composing my own social media posts! I’ll give it some thought though. I would also venture to correct you, as in ‘Truth Social (aka Lie Social)’, which ought to read ‘Truth Social (aka Lie Anti-Social)’, IMHO. 🙂

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  22. These are brilliant. Here’s my feeble attempt.

    Bennett Sister II: Everyone knows I am in need of a man with good fortune and a big house. Any takers?

    Fitzwilliam III: No one is interested Lizzie. Ditch the silly sisters and unhinged mother and you may have a chance.

    Bennett Sister II: You would be the last person I would consider, you arrogant dweeb.

    Jane Austen: Now, now children. Play nice, have a cup of tea, and it will all work out.

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